Love Thy Neighbours
The Parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37)
25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”
27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”
29 But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”
30 In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead.
31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side.
32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side.
33 But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him.
34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him.
35 The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’
36 “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”
37 The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”
1. Why are we so intolerant to differences?
I think it comes down to three things:
- Not understanding the different opinion/behaviour
- Not feeling understood or validated in your own opinion/behaviour
- Understanding but disagreeing with the alternative opinion/behaviour
Not understanding the different opinion/behaviour
People are always very quick to dismiss opinions or approaches to life that differ to our own. But that in a way is the ego talking, it’s the ego saying “my way is the high way”. Think of a time when someone said they disagreed with you and what your reflex reaction was. Often we want to impose our thoughts on other people, we are quick to point out flaws in their line of thinking and we become defensive when our own thoughts or behaviour are criticised - all this to say “I’m right, you’re wrong”. These actions give you a sense of superiority, a way of reassuring yourself that you are right. But it would also be wise to remember that maybe there’s not always a “right” or “wrong”, that not everything in life is binary.
Life is so complex and your past shapes a lot of the way you experience events and perceive things - that’s why your life experiences are your own and no one will know 100% how you think and feel. I think it would be good to remind yourself to keep an open mind, to remember that trying to explore and actually understand a different perspective doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to agree with them at the end of it. But by bringing curiosity and humility into the picture, you can challenge yourself to put down your ego enough to explore someone else’s thoughts without an agenda, and open doors to a deeper understanding of the other person and also of yourself.
Not feeling understood or validated in your own opinion/behaviour
Humans need other people, and historically belonging to a tribe was key to (literal) survival. It makes sense for us to want others to understand us, the way we think, the way we live, the way we see the world - we want to find our tribe.
Something I’ve noticed in myself is that as my own worldview becomes more solidified, I need validation from other people less, and as a result I am becoming more open and accepting of differences. By “more solidified worldview” I mean that I know how I want to live my life, and I am actively assessing my actions and behaviour to check that they are in line with how I aspire to live. Having my own goals allows me to have my own set of metrics to measure success and failure. I still welcome and value others’ opinions, but it’s not the end all be all because I’m not looking for their approval, and I can choose to distill parts that are in line with how I want to live life and add that to my library.
I notice that now I’m able to consider a different opinion without feeling like my own opinion is being challenged, and as a result I am more able to listen instead of being busy putting up defences. So maybe learning to validate your own opinions are also another way of becoming more tolerant to differences.
Understanding but disagreeing with the alternative opinion/behaviour
This one is a little tricky to navigate, particularly when the alternative opinion/behaviour is one that you used to hold but worked really hard to change. I found this to be really true in my relationship with my mom. We used to be super close and the way I saw the world closely mirrored the way she sees the world. But upon further reflection I found that there were a lot of things within that I didn’t agree with - such as the need for validation from other people, a sense of entitlement, subscribing to societal values of success, a self-centered approach, etc. These all sound really negative but I actually think many people live life this way. Examples of need for validation (unwilling to consider a different opinion because it challenges your own), sense of entitlement (getting annoyed when someone doesn’t yield when you are trying to switch lanes because you feel like they should be nice to you), subscribing to societal values of success (believing that getting married and having kids is what success looks like and telling me that I’ll regret it if I choose a different path), a self-centered approach (ties to the sense of entitlement).
None of these are malicious or particularly “bad” but these values are not in line with how I would want to live my life now, and I’ve had to work really hard to reframe my own thoughts and actions so that they are in line. In the early stages I wasn’t able to calmly discuss or share my newfound approach to life with her, because her way of thinking felt too familiar and I was almost repulsed by it just because I had to work so hard to weed them out and I wasn’t confident in my ability to stand my own ground - just like how I imagine recovering alcoholics would find it harder to stay sober in a bar. But with time I find that I’m able to be more forgiving, to have compassion because I’ve been where she’s at, and to try and share this new and more peaceful way of living with her without forcing it upon her. Now I come from a place of wanting to share and opening the door for her to explore with me if she so chooses.
All this to say, it’s possible to disagree but still coexist in harmony. When you are clear in your own values and what you stand for, you are more able to exist in dissonance and not feel uncomfortable or threatened. It’s a nice place to be.
2. Love thy neighbour: Who are our neighbours? Who do we owe love to?
“Which of these three do you think was a neighbour to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”
For kids, there are developmental milestones around the sense of self and the concept of “I”. As they grow up, they are taught to consider other people outside of themselves, and there are further milestones for learning to share, for having a best friend. Growing up, we are taught to be kind to our neighbours, to extend love and compassion to people around us.
Now that we’re older, there’s a shift in focus to self-care. We are taught to put on our own oxygen masks before helping others; we are reminded that we cannot pour from an empty cup. We are aware that everyone has limited time and capacity, and that we cannot do it all.
So what does it mean to love our neighbours? If our definition of neighbour is too broad, we spread ourselves too thin. Say for example you are on a dessert island and you have one cup of water to spare - do you give one drop of water to 10 people, who will all end up dehydrated anyway because 1 drop is not enough, or do you give half a cup each to 2 people?
I don’t have answers for you here, but I think after some thought my take on it is that it’s all about balance, like everything else in life. Realistically you only have limited time and energy. You firstly have to fill your own cup, and then strive to be intentional about how you spend your extra energy and try to make the most of it. I don’t think it’s about trying to do it all, but more about being intentional with and making the most of what you can give. I believe that goodness can be passed along, that one act of kindness towards one person can have a ripple effect downstream. I believe in sustainability - that filling your own cup first isn’t selfish, it’s smart. One person cannot do it all, but all the little things each person does will add up, and that’s the beauty of existing within a community and in relationship with others.
3. Do actions or intentions matter more?
Actions are a tangible measurement of intention, but what happens when good intentions fall short in execution? It happens all the time with various different manifestations - we want to be patient but still end up snapping at someone; we want to be on time but end up late; we want to be altruistic but still end up grumbling at the unfairness of it all. Does “I tried” make up for failing to deliver? Does “I didn’t mean to” absolve you of your sins?
A mirror presents to you an inverted image of yourself; listening to an audio recording of your own voice sounds different to how you hear yourself when you talk. What is more real - the way we perceive ourselves or the way we are perceived by others?
Actions can be seen and judged by others, while intention is something only you know (if you’re honest enough with yourself, that is). There will be times when you have the best of intentions but still fail to achieve the desired outcome, or the outcome will not be received or appreciated in the way you had envisioned. There will be times when actions born out of a superior motive are met with applause.
One way to reconcile these two things is to be accountable to yourself. You are the only person who can know what your true intentions are, and it is your responsibility to reflect on whether these are pure and in line with your values, and to take it upon yourself to strive to have your actions mirror these intentions. When you are able to evaluate yourself this way, you come one step closer to being able to align your actions with intentions.
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